Shana Tova

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashana. Being Roman Catholic, this holiday is one that in the past I just glazed over, another one of those holidays that a handful of my acquaintances knew about, and even less observed. Up until tonight, I didn't really know what the holiday was about or why it was significant. This year, however, a new friend invited myself and a bunch of other first-years to her house to have a "traditional" Rosh Hashana dinner. I use the term "traditional" lightly, because while we had the challah, and the honey and apples, and the pomegranate, and the fish, and a few prayers were said, there were only two Jewish people in attendance, and the night became more about socializing and conversation than religious observations.

For those of you who don't know (a group I would have counted myself in until tonight, sadly), Rosh Hashana is the Jewish celebration of a new year. It marks a time when people look back on the past year, at what they've done right and what they've accomplished, but especially to acknowledge the bad choices they've made and to make amends.

While we sat around the table, laughing and talking and learning, I started thinking about my own year gone by.

This time last year, I was working at the Whale Center and having the time of my life. I was happy, healthy, and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. By Christmas I was back in Ontario, struggling to figure out what comes next. In the past year I've made new friends, I've gone on dates (some good, some bad, some which I didn't even know were "dates"). I've been stressed out, unhappy, ecstatic, devestated, and stubborn. I've lost loved ones to death and to distance, and I've rekindled old friendships. I've seen new life forming, I've listened to unborn heartbeats and seen the joy on a new mother's face, I've become an Aunt. I've made life-altering decisions, life-altering mistakes, and pretty much just altered my life altogether. I've had moments of pure clarity, and extended periods of feeling like I had no control over my future. I've realized how many people actually care about me, and am learning to let go of the ones who don't.

I know I've made some bad choices in the past year. I've hurt people, I've been hurt, and in some ways I ended up hurting myself. I've done things I'm not especially proud of, things that make me cringe when I think about them... things I will not discuss on this blog (sorry!). But, as the Torah says, Rosh Hashanah is a time to make amends. And although I'm not Jewish, and still haven't really grasped the true meaning of the holiday, making amends seems like the right thing to do.

So, to all the people I've hurt over the last year, intentionally or unintentionally, I truly am sorry. To those who have borne the brunt of my mis-directed wrath, or had to suffer through my anger and frustration over something that had nothing to do with them, I apologize. I realize that the people I've hurt the most probably don't even read this blog, but in the off chance that they do I hope they understand that I never meant to injure, and most of what I was going through were my own issues (which, with everything that's gone on over the last year, have been plentiful.... but I won't make excuses). I have a tendency to push people away when I need them the most, so to all those I pushed over the past year, I hope you can forgive me.

And with that, I say "shana tova," and wish you all a "happy and sweet new year."

Long Update, Long Overdue

Ok, ok... I know I've been in some sort of blogging black hole lately. I apologize to those of you who have been on the edge of your seats, checking daily for my coveted posts. Turns out, grad school is a busy place! So, since I really haven't seemed to write about anything except the weather and how it effects my hair, I'm going to give you a down-and-dirty summary of exactly what's been going on.

It's about a month into classes now, and I'm finally starting to get into the swing of things. As it stands, my schedule is as follows:
Monday:
8:30-9:45 - Fundamentals of Geospatial Analysis (GIS training, for those who were as confused by the title as I was)
11:40-12:55 - GIS Lab
1:15-4:00 - Ocean and Coastal Law and Policy (not as interesting as it sounds, so far... but this week we leave the coastal law and start looking at ocean law, including marine mammal protection act, endangered species act, etc. So I have high hopes!)

Tuesday:
10:05-11:20 - Resource and Environmental Economics. Yup, boring.
11:30-4:00 - usually this is when I work at the magazine for my assistantship (yes, I got it!!). It's good, but a lot of times I don't have enough to do... even though I'm currently working on 3 stories and 2 photo projects. It's a lot of waiting for people to get back to me... I forgot that's what journalism was like)
4:25-5:40 - Physical Coastal Processes, by far my favourite course. Interesting content, and the prof is ridiculously fun!

Wednesday: Repeat of Monday, minus the law class. Usually some grocery shopping and cleaning thrown in for good measure (when I'm not frantically working to try and finish off my GIS lab so I don't have to go back on the weekend)

Thursday: An exact replica of Tuesday, but I get the satisfaction of knowing that when the long day is over, I have the next 3 days off :)

Also this term over fall break I'm going to California on an amazing, whirl-wind tour of the coast with a "Marine Ecology of the Pacific" class. Yes, I'm going to California for fall break, and I get 2 credits for it. It's like Nerds Gone Wild. Grad school ROCKS!

My magazine assistantship is going really well so far. I remember after my first staff meeting texting to one of my friends that the most "at home" I had felt since I got here was sitting in the board room with my colleagues in the communications office. In one way, that was a little sad when I thought about it, because it made me realize that I really hadn't bonded with any of my fellow students yet. But in another way it kind of reminded me why I loved journalism in the first place, so I got over it pretty quickly. They're definitely starting me off easy, which I kind of understand. It's just a little frustrating when they give me "2 or 3 weeks" to write a short press release, when in journalism school I was taught to crank one out in about an hour. I did manage to get them to assign me a couple of other stories this week though, so I'm moving up... I may even be getting paid to blog soon! (Nothing final, but I'll keep you posted!)

Two weekends ago was the coastal student's visitation weekend/triathalon weekend in Beaufort at the marine lab where I'll be living next year. I drove the four hours to campus with two other girls from my program, and we arrived at 1:00 on Friday. When we got there, we were introduced to the professors and staff, and then met with our advisors. My advisors are AMAZING. They're both Canadian (the first I've come across so far!), they do marine mammal stuff, and my real advisor (Dave Johnston... but we work in Andy Read's lab as well, so he's kind of my pseudo-advisor) is new to staff, so I'm the only student he's advising next year. And he's super-stoked about it, which makes me even more excited to work with him. After the lab meeting, he actually took me on a quick tour of campus, then later that day brought his wife and 11-month-old daughter down to campus to meet me. I was then promptly invited to visit their home whenever I wanted, and told that any big Canadian holiday I was expected to go down to Beaufort and celebrate with them. Johnstons, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship :) Dave and Andy are also looking into finding me an internship in Canada over the summer, or one in the States that I can get paid for despite not having a work visa. Yeah, I think I'm going to like it there.

After the lab meeting, the weekend became more social. First up was a scavenger hunt (which my group didn't win, but got honourable mention and a Nicholas School nalgene bottle for picking up the most garbage), then a barbecue (with free beer, of course), then off to my "mentor's" house where I was staying with him, his roommate, his roommate's girlfriend, and another friend that came down for the triathalon that weekend. A few more of their friends came over, and we just spent the rest of the night hanging out and chatting. The next day was the triathalon (which I watched, obviously... do I look like a triathlete to anybody?? Didn't think so.) followed by another barbecue and more beer (which I passed on in lieu of water... it was H-O-T, and I was dehydrated already). Then.... BEACH! I ended up randomly joining a group of second-year people that I didn't know, and we all met up at their house to get ready then headed to the beach. Which was GORGEOUS. It was sunny, hot (but now with a nice breeze), the waves were big, and the water was bath-tub warm. We played in the ocean and lounged on the beach for a few hours, before heading back to the house and getting rinsed off. We met up with a few other people and went out for dinner, then headed out to my mentor's house for a kegger that he and his roommate were throwing. By this point most of the other first-years had already left, but I managed to find a few people I recognized. I was supposed to be staying with my mentor again that night, but by 1:00 I was wiped, and the party showed no sign of winding down, so I invited myself to my new friends' house to crash on their floor. (Luckily they said yes, so I didn't have to sleep in my car). The next morning I got up early, snuck out of the house (so as to not wake the other slumbering guests) and went to a coffee shop to grab breakfast. I ate it down by the harbour, looking out into the sound at the wild horses on the other island, and looking for the dolphins that I've been told can sometimes be seen. And I realized that I COULD NOT WAIT to move down there. Sadly, though, I immediately had to go and pick up the girls (plus one more) and start the long drive back to Durham. Next year, Beaufort... next year.

As a lot of you probably know, I am a brand-new aunt as of September 10th. Yes, I am now (and forevermore) Fun Aunt Robyn. And, being the Fun Aunt that I am, I decided to fly home last weekend to meet my new little Nephew. He is CUTE. I'm not just talking cute, or even Cute, he's CUTE. Adorably so, in fact. I got to spend last Friday and Saturday getting to know him, and watching Mommy and Daddy figuring stuff out (like how it's not the best idea to change a diaper on a leather couch... :P ). Being home was great. It was a much-needed break from the still somewhat-uncomfortable social situations, and I could just be my ridiculous self for awhile. (I'm still "censoring the crazy" a bit... just until people get to know me a little better. No need to scare them off yet!) I could have used an extra day or two, but overall 3 days isn't bad. Plus, Christmas isn't so far away!

Coming back was a bit of an ordeal... not just because my flight from Washington to Durham was delayed by TWO HOURS and I didn't get back home until 1:00 a.m.... but because I really didn't know how I was going to face going back to class. Yes, one month in and I'm already at that point. But a strange thing happened yesterday: I realized how many people I can actually talk to in the halls now. And I made plans to hang out with a few people later this week. And I realized that I'm actually settling in here, which is a nice feeling.

Anyways, I've written about a novel-and-a-half so I'm going to quit with the updating for tonight... I'm sure there's lots of stuff I left out, and I'm sure this wasn't the most interesting post to read, but I started this blog to let people know what's going on in my life. It's not always up-to-date, it's not always interesting... but hey, it's grad school! What were you expecting?

Robyn: 1. Frizz: ... um.... I've lost count.

I think I may have finally discovered the secret to relatively frizz-free hair, even in 80-100% humidity!

It calls for a recipe of anti-frizz shampoo, followed by anti-frizz conditioner, followed by biolage smoothing serum, followed by a quick blow dry and some serious straightening, topped up with a misting of light hair wax.

For my next act, I will attempt to use all these products without looking like a huge grease-ball. Stay tuned!

Someone up there must be reeeeeaaalllllyyy enjoying this...

How is it that it rained most of the summer when I was at home, and was so dry here that they had burn restrictions? How is it that before I got to North Carolina, they hadn't had any sort of rain in over 4 weeks, yet the second day I was here (and at least 4 times since then) it poured? How is it that It has been CASCADING RAIN for the last 3 days, and will be storming for at LEAST the next 5 (and possibly more, but that's all the weather network shows me) due to hurricane Gustave, leaving me to walk 15 minutes to and from class every day in thunder storms and torrential downpours because I didn't get a parking pass and there are only 6 parking meters on campus, which are ALWAYS BEING USED??? They even had tornado warnings out this afternoon! Now THAT's a little excessive, don't you think?

Not fair.

Not Quite Home, But No Longer Just Visiting

Today was the first time since I got here that things just felt right.

Up until this point I had been seriously wondering what exactly I was doing here, far from my family, friends and everything familiar, working towards a goal that is only a close cousin to what I always said I'd be doing.

Everything I've done in my life up to this point just felt right. I decided on Carleton and journalism as opposed to my original goal of East Coast and marine biology, and spent four glorious years basking in a feeling of purpose and belonging. I didn't get into grad school last year, but packed up and went to Boston and, scary as it was, I knew that's what I should be doing. But when I got here I kind of hit a brick wall. Suddenly my future felt a little less clear and I seriously wondered if this was the right path for me. I got hung up on the small things, the deficiencies of the program, the fact that it's not actually biology, and without looking at the big picture it all just felt so incredibly wrong. I didn't want to admit this at first, since it's costing a small fortune for me to have this opportunity and, lets face it, at this point Duke is my only real option. But now I feel ok saying it, because it's no longer true.

Today was the first day of classes, a day which I've been dreading for months. Back to lectures, back to labs, back to trying not to fall asleep while a dimly-lit professor drones from the front of the room. And it didn't help that my first class was an 8:30 "Fundamentals of Geospatial Analysis" lecture. So at 6 a.m. I dragged myself out of bed, showered, ate breakfast, and got myself ready for class. Sitting in the lecture hall, cursing my decision not to bring coffee, I continued to wonder what I was doing in North Carolina.

Until the lecture started.

The first thing to show up on the lecture screen was the thing that justified this entire life choice for me. What professor Halpin chose to share with us as the introduction to why we should take his course was a video of him tagging whales on Stellwagen Bank off the coast of Boston. My whales. With friends that I worked with at the Whale Center last fall. Upon seeing the 30 seconds of footage, all my doubts and "what if"s and wonderings faded, and everything else just seemed to settle. No, maybe I don't want the policy classes and the 14 readings per week they require. Maybe the economics classes will drive me insane. Maybe it's not marine biology. But I WILL get there.

This feeling was only magnified when I went to an interview for a communications assistantship working for Duke's environmental magazine. Sitting in the office chatting with the editor about possible writing, photography, video and blogging opportunities, I became more excited about journalism that I have been in a long time. I promised myself that when I came to Duke I would get involved with the newspaper, join a photography club, and not let all my journalism training go down the drain. When I realized that Duke doesn't have a photography club (or if it does, it's doing a really good job of hiding), and the paper is only for undergrads, that seemed to be another tick on my list of cons. But getting involved with the magazine would be exactly the thing I need this year, providing the opportunity to work on an actual publication, and possibly even getting paid to blog about my everyday life. It's not a sure thing that I'll get in, but the editor seemed really impressed with me and as far as I know there's only one other person interviewing for the position, so I have high hopes!

After the interview I had a little bit of time before my next class, so I went out to the courtyard and sat myself in my new favourite place to read. As I munched on my cinnamon Special K bar and dug through my bag in search of my book, I let my eyes wander over the lush green grass, the overhanging trees, the little birds hopping around the courtyard and the constant line of tiny ants parading across the cement... and for the first time since I got here I was actually truly happy. No, I haven't made too many friends yet. No, I haven't managed to find my way around anywhere except the LSRC building. No, I haven't started the 14 readings I was supposed to have done for today, and I haven't quite figured out the computer systems, and I still don't have my textbooks. But my "to-do" list will get done, and the rest of it will come with time. And, until then, I can be satisfied knowing that I did make the right choice.

I'm now Orientated.... Oriented....?

Orientation week is FINALLY over, and boy was it exhausting. We were on campus all day from Monday to Friday, generally starting at 8:30 and finishing around 5-ish. For somebody who has pretty much made her own schedule (which involved staying up late and sleeping in) for the last 8 months, that was A LOT. We had tons of information thrown at us (even more for me because of my "international student" status), we played games, took forest tours (yes, Duke has its very own forest), were forced to socialize, and learned useful things like how to register for classes. So, at the end of the week, here is what I've accomplished:

1. I now know my way around the LSRC building. Yes, only that one building. Luckily that's where most of my classes are.

2. I have located my locker and my mailbox... a good start.

3. I'm registered for all my classes. Well, almost all... I'm actually switching one of my electives, so I still have a few kinks to work out.

4. I've applied for my assistantship positions, and have already interviewed for one. Hopefully I'll have one lined up by the Monday after next.

5. I've remembered that I HATE forced social situations.

6. I've found my new favourite place to read... the LSRC courtyard is surrounded by a low stone wall, and there's this one spot where you can sit and lean against a pillar in the shade, and it's just so comfortable! Plus, there's a good chance you'll be visited by a cute squirrel and a small lizard, so that keeps things interesting.

7. As of 10 minutes ago, I finally set up my voicemail on my cell phone. Now you can leave me a message!

8. I got *almost* all of my forms for payroll, international stuff, etc. filled out. I still need to get my Social Security Number though... so not really done I guess.

9. I ordered my books online! Much easier and cheaper than getting them at the bookstore. Although now I'm going to have to return one of them, since I'm switching one of my classes... oops!

10. I experienced a real southern tradition and went to see a civil war reenactment. Yes, they actually do those. You can find some of my pictures here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2163079&l=0e022&id=90410398

11. I finally got around to taking pictures of my house to show everyone. You can see those pictures here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2162437&l=db99b&id=90410398

Anyways, that's all I can think of for now... I'm not feeling too inspired this evening, so sorry about the boring post. I'll update again after I start classes.

Random Thought...

I've come to realize that the word "trudging" describes about 85% of my life right now.


That is all.