Shana Tova

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashana. Being Roman Catholic, this holiday is one that in the past I just glazed over, another one of those holidays that a handful of my acquaintances knew about, and even less observed. Up until tonight, I didn't really know what the holiday was about or why it was significant. This year, however, a new friend invited myself and a bunch of other first-years to her house to have a "traditional" Rosh Hashana dinner. I use the term "traditional" lightly, because while we had the challah, and the honey and apples, and the pomegranate, and the fish, and a few prayers were said, there were only two Jewish people in attendance, and the night became more about socializing and conversation than religious observations.

For those of you who don't know (a group I would have counted myself in until tonight, sadly), Rosh Hashana is the Jewish celebration of a new year. It marks a time when people look back on the past year, at what they've done right and what they've accomplished, but especially to acknowledge the bad choices they've made and to make amends.

While we sat around the table, laughing and talking and learning, I started thinking about my own year gone by.

This time last year, I was working at the Whale Center and having the time of my life. I was happy, healthy, and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. By Christmas I was back in Ontario, struggling to figure out what comes next. In the past year I've made new friends, I've gone on dates (some good, some bad, some which I didn't even know were "dates"). I've been stressed out, unhappy, ecstatic, devestated, and stubborn. I've lost loved ones to death and to distance, and I've rekindled old friendships. I've seen new life forming, I've listened to unborn heartbeats and seen the joy on a new mother's face, I've become an Aunt. I've made life-altering decisions, life-altering mistakes, and pretty much just altered my life altogether. I've had moments of pure clarity, and extended periods of feeling like I had no control over my future. I've realized how many people actually care about me, and am learning to let go of the ones who don't.

I know I've made some bad choices in the past year. I've hurt people, I've been hurt, and in some ways I ended up hurting myself. I've done things I'm not especially proud of, things that make me cringe when I think about them... things I will not discuss on this blog (sorry!). But, as the Torah says, Rosh Hashanah is a time to make amends. And although I'm not Jewish, and still haven't really grasped the true meaning of the holiday, making amends seems like the right thing to do.

So, to all the people I've hurt over the last year, intentionally or unintentionally, I truly am sorry. To those who have borne the brunt of my mis-directed wrath, or had to suffer through my anger and frustration over something that had nothing to do with them, I apologize. I realize that the people I've hurt the most probably don't even read this blog, but in the off chance that they do I hope they understand that I never meant to injure, and most of what I was going through were my own issues (which, with everything that's gone on over the last year, have been plentiful.... but I won't make excuses). I have a tendency to push people away when I need them the most, so to all those I pushed over the past year, I hope you can forgive me.

And with that, I say "shana tova," and wish you all a "happy and sweet new year."