Letters to Strangers

Dear Neighbours with the Suped up Civic,

I understand that you like your low-riding car with the lovely racing stripes and oversized spoiler. I know how much your tricked out speaker system makes your friends drool, and how it makes the hunnies go "mmmm..." I know how you and your friends like to sit on the sidewalk and stare moodily at your neighbours as they walk by. But it's really not necessary to jack up the volume and blast bad music for hours while you and your friends chill outside. That's no way to make friends. Maybe you could turn down the bass a bit, so I don't get those eerie Jurassic Park-esque ripples in my water glass? Or at least occasionally play some decent music so your neighbours can appreciate it as well.

Regards,
Neighbour with a Headache

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Dear Drive-by Honkers,

I don't know if you know me or not, but I suspect I don't know you. I don't understand why you feel the need to honk at me as I'm walking to class. Is it to see me jump? If so, you've succeeded. You scare the crap out of me every single time. Maybe you're among the the multitudes of creepy guys in the area who cat-call as I'm walking by, or yell "sexy" out their car windows. If so, I urge you to stop. I'm flattered that you feel that way, but yelling or honking or cat-calling me from a moving vehicle as I'm just starting my morning is both embarrassing and uncalled for. If you think I'm pretty, please make an effort to get to know me rather than making me feel like a piece of meat.

Thank you for your time,
More Than Just A Piece of Ace

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Dear Territorial Fire Ants,

I'm very sorry I stepped on your home and caused some structural damage. It was very rude of me to invade uninvitedly. However, I feel it was unnecessary for you to swarm and bite every inch of my feet and ankles repeatedly. I apologize for any unnecessary stress I may have caused, but couldn't you have just given me a friendly warning nip? I would have immediately retreated. Instead, your bites have given me an unsightly skin condition somewhat resembling leprosy, which stings to touch and is going to make wearing shoes highly uncomfortable. Next time I promise to watch where I'm stepping, and look forward to a friendlier warning.

Sincerely,
A Very Sore "Villain"